I was born in Argentina, lived there until I was twelve and as a young adult lived in France for the better part of a year. I am intrigued by what influences our style of parenting and interested in whether we consider ourselves a happy bunch.
I first read Judith Warner’s work in her book “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety.”, a provocative look at how culture shapes our lives and the lives of our children. A few weeks ago, she wrote yet another insightful piece about Pamela Druckerman’s new book, Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Di
scovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.
Warner writes “…I don’t think French children are, overall, better or happier people — such generalizations are silly. But it is true that French kids can be a whole lot more pleasant to be around than our own….”
Read more in her article in Time.com.
Do you agree? Comment below. Merci.
Hi Lucila – enjoying your blog!
I think that the reasons behind the differences in French and American kids go deeper than parents reinforcing good manners and respect. Here, kids are always able to have “kids choices”, ie. on a rainy day choose from a variety of indoor playgrounds, at a restaurant with their family choose from a special kids menu, at a family party sit at a “kids table”), and parents make extreme efforts to inject specific kids activities into their weekends and for birthdays (legoland, crayola factory, waterparks etc). In France and elsewhere, kids just hang with adults way more, there are fewer kids-only activities and choices, and they learn daily how to interact with adults.
Nice to hear from you Alison! You made me think about growing up in Argentina and how much more we seemed to hang out with adults there compared to here. The kids were simply not “entertained” by kid centered activities. Hadn’t thought about that until I read your comment. From your experience living in different parts of the world, would you say that North America is unique in this?
I don’t like Warner applying a label like “brat” to children when each example of bad behavior she gives is of parental-making. I think if you want your children to be respectful of others, the PARENT needs to be respectful of others, and be respectful of children as real, actual people.
The mother who let her child cancel playdates probably never checked in with her first to see if she wanted that playdate in the first place. I see many people demand that children say please and thank you, make eye contact, etc. in one breath as they dress down a waiter, call slow drivers idiots, and brush past the elderly woman headed for the door in the next.
Demanding and “teaching” children to be respectful doesn’t work. BEing respectful — of ourselves, of children, and all the other people around us — in front of our children seems to be a better way to go. It’s what I’m banking on, anyway. I’ll let you know in a few years how it turns out.
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I was getting ready to hit send when I had another thought, though. I haven’t traveled too much, but I have traveled a bit. One thing that jumped out at me in comparing Parisian _adults_ to those in Germany, Austria, Venezeula, and various parts of America: They are a pretty rude bunch. Experiences with parking, traffic, on the train, and making calls on payphones come to mind. Maybe their children are pleasant to be around, but how does that carry over into adulthood?
Angela, re: “…Demanding and “teaching” children to be respectful doesn’t work. BEing respectful — of ourselves, of children, and all the other people around us — in front of our children seems to be a better way to go…”
One of my favorite mantras is to BE the change I want to see in the world. I believe there is a difference between teaching kids to be polite for the sake of being “polite” (which unconsciously can come from a place of “I don’t want our family to ‘look’ like we are rude), and teaching them by example to practice love and compassion towards ourselves and others (a much harder practice for any human being but in my experience a practice that fosters true happiness and fulfillment). And the difference is not that one way is morally right than the other, it’s that BEING the change fosters peace of mind within, something which regardless of “how” my kids are acting, is ultimate freedom. Meaning. less worry about what “others” think, less worry about how my kids are going to “turn out”, less worry about “how” I parent and less worry about how others behave.
Thank you for bringing this up.
I lived in Canada all my life. I raised my kids there for most of their lives. I moved with them to Iceland about 5 years ago and I have to say it was a shock. The parenting styles were so different in Iceland than in Canada that even my children were commenting on it. The parents in Iceland did more asking, begging and requesting with a lot less consequences if any. They listen more to their kids opinion and take their views and requests much more seriously than any of my Canadian friends would with their kids. The kids have more confidence in their opinions. The schools were chaotic, the kids much more violent and the the teachers more complacent if not powerless. I am getting used to it now but once in a while I still see a huge difference in the attitude of the parents here than in general in Canada. It has taken me all of this time to realize that the parents just don’t have to worry about the same things here. If you stop a child on the street and ask for directions they will give them to you with a smile. My 6 year old here goes out to play and stays out until she gets hungry and we don´t have to worry. That would never have happened in Canada. The main danger is the traffic so the kids have much more freedom. I think there are benefits and disadvantages in both styles of parenting. I have taken up some of the traits that I have seen the parents exhibit here but leave the others. I guess its what makes each and every country unique. Good or bad it would be a very boring world if we were all the same.